By the time you’ve decided on asking your spouse for a divorce, you’ve probably faced daily conflict for many months, tried counseling and even left your marital home after fights. But this time, your gut tells you it’s for real.

Usually we feel like hastening the process of breaking up because all we really want to do is leave behind the suffering and start life anew.

Stop right there. You can’t just tell your spouse you want a divorce and it’ll be over. As the person who does the breaking up, be prepared to lock horns with your spouse. Children, property, investments, extended families all come to mind when ending a marriage. It’s not an easy thing to shake off so you shouldn’t rush into telling him or her, “It’s over”, either.

Here are some essential tips to execute this painful, but necessary, process:

Public, but private.Choose a public but quiet place to have a meal or take a walk in a park or on a beach to break the news. The home tends to encourage unwanted hysterics, which may prevent you from conveying all of your thoughts.

Stay calm. No matter how many times you have talked about separating, expect your partner to be surprised, angry and maybe tearful. In this event, your spouse could put the blame on you or push your hot buttons — don’t get mad because it will get in the way of relaying the message that you want out.

Use ‘I’, not ‘you’. This is not the time to make accusations, like “you never contributed to our relationship” or “you will never change”. Concentrate on what you want: “I want a new life”, “I don’t think this marriage is working for me”, “I can’t think of any way we can resolve our differences”.

Sum up your reasons. Writing down your reasons will only make them clearer to you and being prepared helps you stand your ground, especially if your partner might have an emotional meltdown.

Focus on ending conflict. There is no point bringing up past issues in detail. Once you’ve stated your reasons, stress that the suffering cannot continue and being together makes your lives worse and not happier.

Avoid pushing your spouse’s hot buttons. You know there are some things you could say or a certain tone of voice that would make your partner get furious — avoid them altogether. It’s tempting to have one last swipe at your spouse, but ask yourself, is it worth it? You’re more likely to get your spouse to accept your break up with rationality than with cheek or anger.

Be firm. Your spouse may promise to change and beg for just one more chance. If you feel it’s the right decision, stick to your guns. Particularly if you’re leaving your partner because of their addiction or abuse, remember that such concerns cannot be changed and they need to seek professional help.

Leave physically, too. To show you are serious about your decision, it’s best to move out after making this announcement. Pack an overnight bag and check into a local hotel. It’s common for fighting couples to threaten divorce, but being physically separate helps to drive home the point.

Related posts:

1. Can your marriage survive after your spouse cheated on you?
2. Should you try counseling?
3. To divorce or not: Does the nature of an affair matter?

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