Fifty per cent of first marriages end up in divorce, and it looks even grimmer for second marriages — a 65 per cent failure rate, according to a study on cohabitation, marriage, divorce and remarriage from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. What’s the No. 1 culprit? Problems with the kids.

Couples who give it a go the second time around obviously want to make it work — probably more so than first timers. Even after the trauma of previous divorce(s), there is still a genuine desire for a successful marriage. This is the positive bit about step parenting — you already have the right attitude.

But it seems whatever you do is wrong — if you’re enthusiastic, the step kids tend to sniff at your gestures as fraudulent, but if you keep your distance, you appear disinterested and cold. How do you get away from these stereotypes? Patience — a whole lot of it and if you’re lucky, you will find a friend who’s also a stepmother.

Here are a few down-to-earth, practical tips on dealing with sullen stepchildren.

Take your time. People take time to build relationships. Just as how you wouldn’t immediately love a daughter-in-law, your stepchildren wouldn’t love you just because their father does. Don’t press your partner to meet the kids, let the kids decide when they are ready. Have the attitude of letting them know the door is open, and you won’t force them to like you, and don’t let your spouse pressure them either.

Don’t criticize. If you already have your own children, think that the rules of parenting them are just different from how you deal with your stepchildren. You are not their biological parent and you don’t want to be faced with, “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my mom/dad!” Think of yourself as their adult friend and refrain from nagging or scolding.

Always keep your cool Even if you happen to be embroiled in some drama or hostility, bite your tongue, stay calm, and remind yourself it’s not about you and it’s about them (and that they innately want their biological parents to be together).

Give them private them with your spouse. Don’t let them feel like you are stealing their parent. Children need access to their parents’ advice and comfort, especially if it’s a sensitive topic. It will send the signal to your stepchildren that they can talk to their parent whenever they want and think you are possessive or making you feel left out.

Be your own person. Focus on your work, hobbies, and friendships — things that are important to you being a healthy functioning individual. If you can’t win them with words or affection, just be the best person you can be. It’s easy to be sucked into feeling like a failure when your stepfamily seems to feel the total opposite of what a family should be like. It’s a major part of your relationship with your spouse but remember it’s only one part.

The main advice to this difficult situation is, take the long view and look at the big picture. Instead of thinking days and months, realize that it will take years and decades to build your stepfamily. Just repeat this mantra whenever you find yourself in a drama, “It’s not about me.”

Related posts:

1. Dating after divorce: When do you reveal your past?
2. How to tell your kids you’re getting a divorce Part II
3. 8 Practical steps to healing after divorce

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