Dating is hard, even when you’re single, so it seems like a real chore if you have a long list of emotional baggage — you have a previous marriage, children, financial problems — which make you less than an ideal candidate to score.
A Dutch study conducted last year found that a divorce lowers one’s chances to have a successful romantic relationship, more so for women than men.
As a divorcee, you do have more factors that affect your love life than the average singleton, but don’t let statistics or negative anecdotes put a damper on your desire to start afresh with someone new.
Here are some questions that you would wonder once the dust has settled:
When do I know I’m ready to date again?
There is no magical moment when all your resentment and frustrations with your divorce will melt away. It’s a decision that you make not to dwell on what’s past and move on. If you have come to a stage where you have become stable emotionally and financially post-divorce, we say you are ready to have some fun.
How do I broach the topic of my marital status?
Immediately. It’s a tough one to weave into a casual conversation but just do it. If you don’t, you would appear like a fraud. Put yourself into your date’s shoes — wouldn’t you feel the least bit cheated if your date didn’t come clean from the beginning? For some people, this could be a deal breaker, so it’s good to get it out in the open first thing before you develop feelings or get too invested.
How personal much personal information should I give, after telling my date I’m divorce?
As little as possible when it comes to your ex and the torrid details of how financially crippled you were because of the legal fees and/or child support and alimony. Before you step out on this date, replay what you will reveal. Summarize in your mind what went wrong with your divorce. Your former spouse may have cheated on you, but for the sake of your date, don’t be bitter. Just skate past this awkward admission and say you’ve learned a lot from your experience and you’re ready to date again.
Should I talk about my ex at all?
It seems safe to ignore the topic altogether but you don’t want to appear as if you are still hurt or have emotional hang-ups. Be neutral, don’t criticize but don’t gush over your ex either, because that would make you look like you still have feelings for your former spouse.
Are mentioning the kids a turn off?
Again, this is a tricky one but should be brought into the conversation pronto. Same reasons as ‘fessing up your martial status. If your date has kids, great, if not, try not to heap too many cutesy references to your children — it can be overwhelming on the first date. Some people may not want to date those with tiny tots so you may as well find out from the start.
What if my date finds my baggage unattractive?
Then that’s the deal breaker for you. You are who you are and you come with children and a divorce. Try to understand that people who say they don’t want to “deal” with other people’s baggage is because they are afraid that whatever unhappiness you have will spill over into their lives. Going into a new relationship is always a risk, whether or not you have a complicated past, so if your date doesn’t want to take the jump, so be it and move on. Next, please.
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