With the uproar surrounding New York governor Eliot Spitzer and his predilection for expensive call girls, it’s fitting to talk about marriage and infidelity. His wife, Silda, stood stoically next to her husband as he made a public apology to the press.

We’re not going to talk about the demise of his political career but focus on Silda Spitzer. She is facing the most humiliating thing a husband could do to a wife, but she is far from being alone. Hillary Clinton went through it and Detroit mayor Kwame Kilparticks’ wife, Carlita, grit her teeth as the media storm swarmed in on his sexy text messages to his ex-lover and former aide, Christine Beatty.

Divorce would definitely be on these women’s minds. Marriage involves multiple commitments, but the one thing that determines one’s loyalty to your spouse, is to be sexually faithful. Once that is breached, it truly shakes up a marriage.

It’s happened to you and you’re in emotional hell. You’ve got children and a 10-year broken marriage where your spouse cheated on you. Plagued by overwhelming grief and disappointment, you don’t want to make any irreversible decisions without thinking carefully and patiently.

These are the questions you need to ask yourself if you’re torn between staying or divorce. There are no fixed answers but they can help to shape your decision-making process:

Will your spouse give up the affair? Okay, this one seems like a no-brainer but you could find yourself in a situation where your spouse won’t leave you nor the lover. Most affairs tend to die a natural death, especially when the initial romantic “high” fades and reality steps in. But what if your spouse’s affair has not ended when it was discovered? Could you weather this rocky period where you feel you are fighting for your spouse?

Was the affair with a stranger or with someone familiar? For some people, “who was it?” doesn’t matter — once their trust is violated, they will choose to leave. But for some, they could forgive a one-night stand or if it was with a prostitute because there was no emotional attachment. If it was a co-worker or a close family friend, would you be willing to explore why your spouse had an affair in the first place?

What went wrong? It’s easy to fall back on the kind advice of friends and family who say, “Leave him — he’ll just do it again”, “you can’t trust a cheater”, “there are plenty of fish in the sea” and “you are worth much more than that scum!” Human relationships are so complex that to dismiss infidelity so superficially would be a shame. Relationships can recover from major tragedies and one of the first steps to take would be to dig deep.

Would both of you be willing to go to couples counseling? Affairs tend to signal that important needs in a marriage were not met. Perhaps a trained professional could help both of you address this problem that the both of you couldn’t on your own.

If you decide to stay, will the resentment for your spouse overwhelm you? Petty fights would naturally spring from this major event and dog your daily life. Perhaps the guilty spouse would give way to the victimized spouse out of guilt, but as the “victim”, can you be the better person and stop the resentment from clouding your recovery as a couple?

Will you become paranoid about your spouse starting up the affair again? Trust is essential to make a relationship work. If you cannot see a stop to wondering if your partner is unfaithful, both of you will be miserable with constant accusations and interrogation. While the guilty partner is working to regain trust, the victimized one must be open to give that trust back.

If you decide to divorce your spouse, can you survive on your own? The last question probably applies mainly to women. A lot of wives remain in a troubled relationship because they believe they cannot take care of their children alone. It’s not pathetic if the thought of being alone frightens you, if you are going to stay, can you make a real effort to save your marriage?

Related posts:

1. To divorce or not: Does the nature of an affair matter?
2. How to tell your spouse you want a divorce
3. After gay marriage, divorce is even tougher

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